Reckonings are fearsome, but inevitable. To come to peace with the consequences of one’s actions, to admit those faults long buried, to lay bare those desires most secret is to begin to live again. The psychic weight lifts as if atomic and the psyche and its carrier can move more dynamically, with less friction, into a new era. It is little coincidence that my own epiphanies came to light just as I returned home, just as I heard the news that our country’s election trajectory had radically shifted.
In my forty-three and counting years, I have amassed the usual behavioral detritus and then some. The very qualities that have made me a fierce competitor, compassionate advocate, relentless seeker, loving family man have their antitheses within me. They are coupled with a disturbing impatience, a wide emotional range, a troubling loquaciousness, a lack of zen. Forged in the crucibles of my social, familial, relationship, professional, educational lives, these base elements as alloyed over time have brought me to many places, not all stellar.
America is similarly dichotomous, as it has proved lo these nascent but increasing centuries. It is a beautiful land filled with some of the most kind, daring, intelligent, resourceful people on Earth. We are also the site of some of the most astounding abuses, home to truly hateful people, a capitalistic locomotive smashing livelihoods and ecosystems. Cognizant but also dismissive of our history, we cannot seem to escape it, move onto a more perfect union.
Squarely in middle age, I have an affirmative choice to make – evolve or descend into mediocrity, as one cannot be great while carrying lasting mistakes or onerous predilections that one chooses not to rectify. It is a seemingly impossible yet attractively attainable goal, one that cannot be most effectively attained on one’s own, the aid of others an unfortunate necessity for this stubborn individualist. The time for the work to be done is now lest I calcify into an ode to what I do not want to be.
Our country is likewise at a crossroads, the spectre of internecine warfare more daunting than any time prior to the War of Northern Aggression or whatever they choose to call it from whence you hail. Polarized, demonized, weaponized, patronized, we are treading a precarious path that at the best threatens happiness and efficiency and at the worst portends violence and degradation. A change is sorely needed, a respite from savage partisanship, socioeconomic maltreatment, and unchecked, vainglorious greed.
Motivated and animated, it is with humility that I seek forgiveness from those who have been on the receiving end of my flaws, it is with a newfound spark that I seek new experiences and skills. A conscious slowing of pace begets a more peaceful approach, a more serene outlook, a more positive inclination. Reconnections with those from whom I have strayed have brought new spiritual bolsters, a new appreciation for the friends that have lingered in the margins, an embrace after an exile both necessary and extreme. To reimagine the arc of a life is no small feat.
The President’s self-removal from the campaign infuses this November’s contest with a vigorous clashing of ideologies in a way that is more optically obvious, in a way that brings hope to those seeking representation of the panoply that comprises this nation. Those pushing for decency in political office have been buoyed by a changed narrative, by an infusion of energy sorely missed. Those pushing for the reinstallation of our former President will have their resolve steeled, the new opponent an entirely different challenge. A woman of color, she represents demographics long trodden underfoot by a homogenous ruling class. A prosecutor, she personifies determination to hew to the rule of law. Inherently, she is a threat to a certain way of life, forces us to reckon with our past.
Faced with a choice about which values I was most keen to embody, I had to change to make intention and result congruent. As the United States rolls into the heart of campaign season, it is my deepest hope that the constituency contemplates how best to extol the promise of this country and takes the necessary steps to achieve our latent greatness.