To see is to make another feel seen. Reciprocity is the foundation of communication, and there is little more intimate, beguiling, bemusing than the interplay between eyes, those nanoscopic movements that speak volumes. Whether gazing intently or glancing casually, the manner in which we look at the world, at our friends, mates, colleagues, is the cornerstone of our presence. It is hard to look another person in the eye, to share that bond, to open oneself up to know and to be understood. Being difficult, it is commensurately critical – do not be afraid.
In a disjointed world, torn asunder by strife and speed, we have learned the necessity of forming those strong links that keep us upright. True connection requires vulnerability, a revelation of our inner selves that terrifies. It explains why most of us most of the time cannot sustain eye contact. It can be overwhelming, when one has given monumental effort to hide away the hurt, the fear, the loss, to let it all flood out with one glimpse into someone’s eyes. Literally, as the tears torrent undammed.
With a late-breaking clarity, I realized that I had taken to looking off into the distance when I was talking about topics that were causing me pain. I knew intuitively that I was seeking to protect myself, to extend the compartmentalization a bit further, lest one look let the walls come tumbling down. Yet the path to healing is catharsis and I knew I needed to force myself to face the problems head-on, to expose the concealed by sharing my view with another. If I cannot look my dear friend in the eye and thereby tell them the truth, silently or aloud, neither of us are friends.
Our eye contact is not just a sword or a shield, but also our foremost signal of empathy, of respect, of curiosity for the lives of those we meet and whom we cherish. If you look at your partner, rather than through or past them, they understand that you truly care and they are warmed by this knowledge. They come to know that they are worthy – of attention, of grace, of love. When that steady regard is held, it penetrates to the core, creates a subatomic support structure, and builds the strength of the relationship. When eyes are downcast or shifty, the framework gets rattled, the confidence dips, and cracks form.
The supremacy of eye contact is why we teach our children to shake hands with people they meet and look them in the eye – it is the way to most easily and effectively convey civility. As devices proliferate, they pilfer the eyes of our youth, which makes it increasingly remarkable to meet a kid who is not stingy or reluctant with eye contact. It can be intimidating for a young girl to look a grown man in the eye, but those with the fortitude are destined for big things. It is not directly predictive of a high calling, but is certainly an attribute that will serve well as adolescence gives way to adulthood.
Now, there is, of course, such a thing as too much eye contact. Attentive can turn to creepy quite easily. Observing is polite; staring is rude. I know that there are times when I, in my bolder moments, need to turn down the intensity, just as I need to lock in when I am feeling sheepish. It’s best not to blind someone with a fiery gaze. Still, on balance, my predilection is to engage rather than avert, except on those days when I just don’t want to interact with people. Those days are few, but they do occur.
Because we spend so many hours with our eyes open, our vision is as automatic, as involuntary, as unnoticed as our breathing. But just as we can learn to be mindful with our breath, we can be intentional with our gaze. That first deep yogic inhale, sustained and invigorating, awakens us to the possibilities of that much life-giving oxygen. Similarly attentive to the power, to the subtleties of our eyes, we can be gentle as a fawn or fierce as a lion, as the situation requires.
Spend a day tracking the movement of your eyes, the spots on which they fixate, whether you are able to express information with a simple look; it will be a fascinating experiment. Then spend another day studying how people look at you, what emotions those gazes engender, how affirming it can be to be truly seen, how rattling it can be to be optically ignored. Thus enlightened, you will be in possession of a rare superpower – X-ray vision as effective as in any comic book.